


You Are Not Your Father

by blackwjngs



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 13x18 Bring Em’ Back Alive, 13x18 Coda, Canon Compliant, Castiel & Sam Winchester Friendship, Coda, Dean Uses His Words, First Kiss, Fix-It, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Love Confessions, M/M, Season/Series 13 Spoilers, a lot of crying, cas is dean’s big win
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 00:26:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14320419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackwjngs/pseuds/blackwjngs
Summary: Coda for what happens after 13x18. The Winchesters actually use their words, who knew that could happen?





	You Are Not Your Father

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn’t stand the ending of 13x18 and I kept seeing people saying that Dean reminded them of John and I hated that so I made this. Enjoy!

“We will find Gabriel.” Cas says, determined, but with a hint of apprehension in his voice. 

“We better.” Dean says, standing still for a moment before retreating to his bedroom. 

Next to him, Cas hears Sam let out a shaky breath, and follows him with his eyes as the younger brother sits down at the map table. Cas see Sam put his head in his hands for a moment then stare up at nothing, tears threatening to fall on his bottom lids. The sound of glass breaking comes from down the hallway, and Sam winces. Cas hesitates before walking over to sit across from his friend. He believes that he can be of help by at least listening. When he sits down, Sam doesn’t look at him. 

“Sam,” Cas starts, only to be stopped by another shaky exhale from the man across from him. 

“Cas,” Sam says, a crack in his voice, “did I ruin it?” 

Cas wants to hug him, but restrains, because he’s unfamiliar with how much physical affection is appropriate for situations like these. 

“No.” Cas responded resolutely. “You didn’t. We did what we had to do. Asmodeus would’ve killed us, and taken Gabriel with him. We will find Gabriel, or we’ll find another way. That’s what you always say huh? Find another way?” 

Sam cracks a hint of a smile. 

“Yeah.” He says quietly. 

Sam presses his lips together before looking at Cas, still not letting the tears fall. 

“He sounded like Dad, Cas. He sounded just like him, broken bottles and everything.” Sam hesitates before speaking again. 

“One night, we were hunting together, and it was one of the first times I had gone out with them. We were tracking a pack of werewolves out near Omaha, and one of them attacked me from behind. It knocked my gun out of my hand and threw me into the wall. It was two seconds away from turning me before Dad grabbed him, pinned him down, and shot him through the heart. That caused another one to scratch Dean as he came over to help me. It was the last one, and before Dad was able to make a kill shot, it got away. Dean was hurt pretty bad. We had to carry him back to the car and I had to drive back to the motel at like eleven years old while Dad stitched Dean up in the backseat so he wouldn’t bleed out. But through the whole thing Dean kept me that it was okay, that he was fine, that I did a great job on the hunt. That night, Dad yelled like that. And it was directed at me. He was pissed, said Dean could’ve died and said that if I knew what the hell I was doing we could’ve taken out the whole pack. But when I went to bed crying that night, Dean told me to sleep in his bed with him, and that’s the only reason I was able to close both eyes. Because I knew Dean would protect me from Dad. After that, I made sure I never made another mistake that bad. And every time someone yells like that it shakes me. Dad really fucked me up, Cas. And I fucking hate comparing him to Dean but god, it sounded just like him.”

Cas looks at his friend as immense sadness and the urge to help washes over him. He stands and walks around the table and takes a seat next to Sam, turning to face him. 

“Dean is not your father, Sam. He is a much better man than John ever was, and his intent was not to scare you. Dean’s anger was not directed at you, or me for that matter, I promise. We will fix this. We will make it up to him. We’ll get him a win, and we’ll get one for you too.”

Cas puts his hand on Sam’s shoulder, letting it rest there until the man looks him in the eye and smiles. 

“I know, Cas. And like I said it sucks to compare the two I just couldn’t get it out of my head. And I know he’s just mad at the world and he wasn’t yelling at us, but god, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget the flashback of that night that washed over me when Dean threw the stuff off the table.”

Cas sighs. 

“I’m sorry you didn’t have the father you deserved, Sam. But I promise I will stay and help fight for both you and Dean’s win.”

Sam laughs, and Cas looks at him, a confused expression gracing his softened features. 

“What was funny?”

Sam smiles, tears glistening in the dull yellow lighting coming from the table. 

“You, talking about staying around and helping find Dean’s win. You don’t have to do anything to find it, Cas. You staying here is Dean’s win.”

Cas stares at Sam, dumbfounded. He doesn’t understand. 

“What do you mean?” Cas says, as those are the only words his lips will form. 

Sam smiles, wiping the tears off his lash line. 

“I mean, that Dean was fucked up when you died, man. I mean, he didn’t hesitate to kill himself for a case. He was moping and didn’t eat and only drank whiskey. He was low, the lowest I’ve ever seen him. But when you called him from that payphone, it’s the first time I saw a glint of hope in his eyes after weeks of seeing only pain. And when we worked that cowboy case? He was over the moon that you were listening to him babble about all his old western shit. I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve another win, but he flat out told me that you being back was a big one. So don’t think that because of this you failed him. Because in his eyes, there’s nothing that can beat having all of us together and safe.”

Cas stares blankly at the younger Winchester for what feels like a year. When he sees Sam’s expectant expression, he musters up some form of speech. 

“I-I think I should go talk to Dean. Will you be alright?”

Sam smiles and nods. 

“Not like I haven’t dealt with childhood trauma on my own before.”

Cas is about to berate him for the self hatred, but Sam cuts him off. 

“I know, I know, self deprecation, yada yada yada, I’m fine, Cas, go, talk to Dean.”

Cas presses his lips into a thin line before giving a quick nod to his friend and exiting the room to start down the hallway. 

————

As Cas approaches Dean’s bedroom, he can hear muffled sobs coming from inside. He hesitates before knocking, thinking that maybe Dean needs some time alone to regroup, but Sam’s words overpower that thought. So he knocks. 

“Go away, Sam,” says the sharp voice inside the room, “I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Cas takes a deep breath. 

“It’s not Sam, Dean, i-it’s Cas. May I come in?”

The room is silent for a moment, and then Cas hears the soft slide of socks across the floor, and the latch clicks open. He waits for Dean to open it further, but he doesn’t. He hears the slide of socks once more, the bed springs bouncing, and shameful sniffles. 

Cas tentatively pushes the door open, not wanting to cross any lines with Dean. He can’t get a clear picture of his mindset, and the last thing he wants is Dean to explode again. 

As the door slowly swings open, it reveals Dean to be in the complete opposite state that he was in the library. The jacket and flannel were tossed aside and replaced with a soft, gray, cotton t-shirt, the jeans  
were replaced with blue checked pajama bottoms, and the heavy boots were kicked to the side. The man’s eyes were red-rimmed from crying, and his body looked wrecked from the sobs. His hair was messy and matted down by sweat and screaming into pillows. 

“I came in here to get my secret stash,” Dean says, breaking the silence and nodding to the empty bottle of Jack Daniel’s smashed on the concrete floor.

“As you can suspect, it was empty, which was just awesome. Thought I would just sleep it off, but it turned into, well, this.” He gestured at his general disheveled appearance. 

Cas wanted to smile, for Dean’s sake, but he couldn’t bring himself to. Seeing the man he loves drowning in self hatred and regret is killing him from the inside out. Instead, he pushes Dean’s messy hair off his sweaty forehead. 

Dean looks up at him as a single tear rolls off the lid. They both stare in silence for a moment before Dean speaks. 

“I don’t wanna turn into Dad.” Dean chokes out weakly, a fresh set of tears returning to his eyes. “I’ve already messed me and Sammy and you up enough. I can’t let myself turn into Dad.”

Dean starts to shake, and Cas moves his hand from the bed to Dean’s back, soothing him. 

“Dean,” Cas says, “look at me.”

Dean blinks through his tears and glances up at Cas. Cas takes Dean’s face in his hands so he can’t turn away, and begins speaking. 

“You are not your father. Never have been, never will be. You’re a good person Dean, which is something he couldn’t be after your mother died. You would never intentionally hurt someone you loved out of selfishness. You don’t let your struggles take over and close you off to everything else the world throws at you. You have hope, you have faith, you have me and your brother to help you and guide you and remember what you believe in before you lose sight of it. You are a good person, Dean. Your father was not. And I know you try to defend him and say he was doing the best he could but we both know that’s not true. Because you’ve lost so much more than he has, and you never beat on kids, or stumbled home drunk and broke the whole house, or scared your brother beyond repair. That’s the difference between you and your father. You care about people other than yourself. More than yourself. And as much as I wish you would give yourself a break sometimes, I know why you do it. It’s so they never have to go through what you did. It’s why you always want to take the fall for Sam. Why you wanted to do the trials, why you bore the Mark, why you went into apocalypse world alone. You are not your father. You are a million times better than that bastard.”

Cas does not let Dean look away. He needs to know he’s been heard. But Dean pulled away, much to Cas’ discontent. 

“I scared Sam tonight. And I came looking to get drunk.”

Cas cards his fingers through Dean’s hair. 

“But you didn’t get drunk. You could’ve easily gone into the kitchen and gotten more whiskey, or gone to a bar, but you made the decision to sleep through it. And yeah, Sam flinched, because the screaming reminded him of your father, but you know what he told me? He told me that the night that your Dad really scared him, you were the one making him feel like he was gonna live through it. So yeah, tonight, you fucked up. But you’ve already started making it right. You weren’t reckless. You didn’t scream at or blame either of us. You were mad, disappointed, losing hope, but still, you didn’t direct your anger at the people who would’ve been easy targets. Your father would’ve laid us out and you know that. You can’t keep your emotions bottled up all the time, but you do anyway, and tonight was just the one thing that made the top pop off. So, please, Dean, stop beating yourself up. We’re not mad. Sam is fine, I’m fine, you’re fine. I need you to hear me when I say give yourself a break.”

Dean stopped nervously cracking his fingers, but didn’t look up. Instead, he held on to the edges of the pillow, and he cried. He cried as he apologized to Cas for everything he’s ever done. He cried as Cas held him close and forgave him. He cried as he told Cas that after he died he needed a win, and when he came back, he felt like he couldn’t have gotten a bigger one. He cried as Cas kissed his eyelids and nose and cheeks and lips and tears. He cried as he hugged his brother whispering rapid apologies in his ear. He cried as he told Cas he loved him. He cried even harder when Cas told him he loved him back. 

He stopped crying when he laid in bed, exhaustion overpowering him, with Cas holding him close. He stopped crying as Cas kissed his neck until he fell asleep. He stopped crying when Cas held his hand and stroked the back of it with his thumb. He stopped crying when he realized that Sam would be okay. He stopped crying when he realized Cas would be okay. He stopped crying when he realized he would be okay. 

He cried again when he woke up with Cas’ legs entangled in his, and his arm trapped under Cas’ body. Although this time, the tears were caused by joy.

**Author's Note:**

> i <3 comments if u leave one i will smile for 20 minutes no exaggeration


End file.
